Various nerdery, music, and games. Feel free to follow and use the ask button. Just call me Monk.
You can follow me on Twitter: @Xerosthemonk
Dear Sir or Madam,
1.) I am fully aware that it sucks that our lottery ticket checker doesn’t work. I do however promise that I have no intention of cheating you out of the whopping $2 you won on your Powerball ticket so I can check it back here behind the counter. If fact, you might find that if you didn’t waste the $25 or so that you spend weekly on your gambling habit, your $2 pittance wouldn’t be in such danger of being stolen by my shifty ass and you would make a $23 profit.
2.) As opposed to what you may have heard, I have absolutely no control over the price of gas. I have to pay the same outrageous prices as you do (except I do it for a lot cheaper than it takes for you to fill the tank on your Super-Duty-V8-git-r-done –shaped phallus). If you really want me to I can change the flashy sign out front to read $1.50 if it would give you a nice psychological comfort. That being said, if our sign accidentally happens to be false and we forgot to change it, the $0.01 per gallon difference will have an absolutely minimal effect on the price you pay. (Unless you have an 80 gallon tank, in which case you and the customer in the first point of advice can combine your $2.80 and get a couple fountain pops.)
3.) I am also fully aware of something you may be ignorant of so let me explain. Sometimes the receipt paper in the pumps gets jammed. They are machines. It happens. I apologize for the inconvenience of having to walk 15 ft. from the pump to our store to get your slip of paper. I assure you that passively aggressively saying things like “I shouldn’t have to come all the way over here to get this” or “It takes the convenience out of it if the pumps won’t print” under your breath as you leave the store in no way strengthens my secret voodoo pump magic allowing me to clear paper out of said machines. It does however strengthen my resolve to drown you in a vat of gasoline, though with these gas prices I can’t control, it may just be cheaper just to buy you a tube of Preperation H to help with your butthurt.
4.) Over 2+ years of working at gas stations, I have sold thousands if not tens of thousands of cigarette packs. It may surprise you to know that I know more about what you smoke than you do. Prices, flavor, color of packaging, shape, length, gauge, and types of tobacco are just a few of the bases of knowledge from which I can draw to assist you. So if I am having a busy night and accidently get the wrong smokes for you, ignorance on my part is definitely not to blame. Yelling or chastising me about can be resolved in literally 3 seconds by simply saying politely “I’m sorry “I said blah blah blah” to which I will reply “I apologize sir/ma’am” and get you your cigarettes. I am so sorry that I got you the wrong flavor of cancer. Let me just get that pack of Marlboros you feed that malignant tumor sitting in your alveoli behind your crippled heart.
5.) If, for some reason, you are not satisfied with your visit to my store (usually caused by your own ignorance of how to do something as simple as pumping gas), saying something like “I guess *other gas station* is getting my business” in no way affects me. In fact, Marathon Oil Corporation owns almost all gas in every pump at Speedways, Marathon, Circle K, Casey’s General Store, etc. Their gas is the same gas. So thanks for the business and I still get paid!